This was originally posted to r/anime in February 2019, along with miscellaneous notes, and I'm only now getting around to transferring it to my main site. Also, NSFW warning; as the header makes clear, the images will involve Holo being Holo, that is to say naked, so proceed at your own risk.
There she sits, an image of casual superiority and intelligent amusement at having caught another off-guard. She does not quite look down her nose, but in the elegant unconcern of her body she communicates an unimpeachable status. Beautiful, clever, and capable; who would be so foolish as to challenge her?
But who is she? It is tempting to resort to classification, to identify her type such that we may affix to it a single phrase that allows us the satisfaction of having ‘understood’ her. Indeed, Holo, being the female lead of a romantic drama, naturally lends herself to certain expectations. Her beauty will serve to be flirtatious, her cleverness a cover for vulnerability, and her capability just makes her all that harder for the guy to get. Her character will, in a word, be satisfying.
The genius of Spice and Wolf is that Holo is not so easily circumscribed. It is not sufficient to name a single category or even several; these may yield a rough outline of her character, but nothing more. To appreciate her individually her own words and actions are required, so that through them we may better discern what truly drives her in three key scenes.
Scene 1 - Holo the Proud Wolf
- Season 1, Episode 1: First meeting, 8:23 to 13:40
The story begins when Lawrence, after having stopped for the night, is alerted to sounds in his cart. Investigating he finds a pale white girl sleeping amongst the furs. He attempts to wake her but she does not respond, even going so far as to be unreactive when he forcefully turns her over. Only when her ears are uncovered and he stumbles back in alarm does she move, yawning dramatically before lifting herself up to howl skyward. Lawrence, left completely speechless, stares silently as she remarks:
Holo: “What a beautiful moon.”
(Pause, only now deigning to notice Lawrence but not turning to acknowledge him)
Holo: “Hey, you… Do you have any alcohol?” (Enticing look)
Lawrence: “I… I don’t have anything like that! First of all…” (Trying to build momentum)
Holo: “Really...? How about something to eat?” (Interrupting)
(Holo gazes around theatrically until sighting a piece of dropped jerky)
Holo: “Oh, that is wasteful!”
From the very beginning, Holo is in control. It is the defining attribute of her personality. She should be the one abashed, having just been found out sleeping in another’s cart, naked no less… yet she will not be. This is more than a comfort in her own skin, or her exotic wolfish values exhibiting themselves. Even when it is clear any reasonable person should be awake she does not act until it is opportune, and when she finally rises Holo pretends she does not notice him until it is convenient. 
“Act” and “pretend.” These are the words that Holo lives by, for as it becomes apparent she is neither innocent nor oblivious. She is choosing to behave this way consciously, a point driven home shortly as she scans the area for food. There’s no reason to shade her eyes in the moonlight. It is a play, and she is sending a very clear signal to Lawrence in the process: I will deal with you when I want and how I want, and that is after my desires have been met because you are less important than they are. Holo is ensuring that this encounter will be on her terms.
At this point Holo leans over the edge of the cart to retrieve the piece of jerky, an action that calls Lawrence’s attention to her tail; a flash of her keenly observant eyes as she rights herself indicates that despite her apparent relaxation she is watching him closely.
Completely unseated, Lawrence puts distance between them and draws his knife threateningly. Seeing this she gives him a brief glance of awareness, but not concern:
Lawrence: “You! Have you been possessed by the devil?”
(Holo’s expression sours)
Holo: “You are an ungrateful person... pointing a dagger at me.” (Indignant)
Lawrence: “Wh-What?!”
Holo: “Hm? Oh, that’s right. You are not from that village.”
(Holo’s expression promptly turns to a disarming smile)
Holo: “Sorry. I forgot about that.”
(Holo accompanies this last statement with a playful wink before returning to gulping down her food)
Here is Holo’s first genuine reaction: her ire at being disrespected. Lawrence cannot harm her, and up until now she could treat him as she saw fit. It was a game, really. But to be received inappropriately for her station wounds her all-important pride. Unlike her physical safety this he can affect… until she realizes it was an error, then the mask immediately comes up and she returns to being borderline flirtatious.
This is where the second part of why she is acting becomes apparent: she is probing Lawrence. She has already seen that he did not immediately kick her out or threaten her, so he’s not that hard-hearted. He also didn’t rise to being told he was ungrateful, instead opting to inquire further; he’s cautious, not headstrong. And now she makes use of her appearance, knowing full well the effect a friendly young female typically has on men.
At this point Lawrence lowers his knife and stares at her in glum confusion. He has been completely disarmed and he’s not quite sure how it’s happened. Seeing all is in order, Holo licks her lips from her meal before standing dominant to declare:
Holo: “My name is Holo. I took this form for the first time in a long while.”
(Pause, noting Lawrence’s tongue-tied expression)
Holo: “Yes, I think it is working well.”
Lawrence: “Holo?”
Holo: “Yes. It is a nice name, is it not?”
Lawrence: “What an amazing coincidence. I know someone who is called by that name.”
Holo: “Oh? I have never known anyone besides me who is called Holo.”
(Smiling, Holo turns and leans toward Lawrence with casual confidence)
Holo: “Where is that person from?”
Lawrence: “It’s the name of the god known to the village in this area for generations. Surely you’re not saying you’re that god?”
(Holo stares at Lawrence with open shock before rapidly covering it with her smile, resigning herself to sitting and flicking her tail at Lawrence)
Holo: “Although I have been called God and have been bound to this region for a long time, I am not grand like God. I am Holo, and that is all I am.”
Sufficiently sated, Holo is ready to announce herself to this mortal (naturally with no interest in his doing so in return). She relishes in declaring her name; it is a good name, after all. And unique! She knows nobody else is like her. That Lawrence would suggest otherwise elicits more humor than alarm; this is a woman who is confident through-and-through, and she won’t be scared by a little competition. What pretentious creature would dream of using her name?
But it is her final response that adds nuance. Having been revealed that Lawrence was thinking of her all along she checks herself. Holo is proud, yes, but she is not arrogant. Compared to Lawrence and other humans she is a goddess, and she will treat them as befits their station. But she must quickly decline adopting the name of God or else risk being a pretentious little creature herself. She smiles a slight, self-effacing smile to herself before sitting down to reduce her bearing, becoming more playful in the process.
Hearing this last line, Lawrence has become increasingly unimpressed. Without even turning to see his face, Holo intones with flat incredulity:
Holo: “‘A poor, crazy woman who has been locked in a house since she was born’...”
Holo: “You are thinking something like that, right?”
(Holo gives a small smile of satisfaction before turning forward again)
Holo: “I was born in the land in the far north. They have a short summer and a long winter. My home is the forest of Yoitz. It is a snowy world where everything sparkles.” (Dreamily)
(Latent pause)
Holo: “You are a traveling peddler, right? Take me with you.” (Cutely)
Lawrence: “Wh-why would I?” (Looking away in embarrassment)
Holo: “I am a good judge of people. You are not a cold person who would turn down a request, are you?”
(Holo reaches out to seductively touch Lawrence’s chin, at which point he violently brushes her off)
Lawrence: “Don’t come close to me! I’m not such a generous person!”
Holo: “Be kind to me.” (Vulnerably holding herself)
Holo: “You are too cute.” (Mischievous)
Holo is now exercising her full control over Lawrence, already anticipating what he is thinking and retaliating for putting her off balance a moment ago. She isn’t lying when she says she is a good judge of people. But this is no mysterious power; in four short minutes she has systematically poked and prodded him to see how he reacts to her varying tests. The camera is clear on this point, as it flicks rapidly from his expression, to hers, then back to his; she sees his state, experiments on it, and then observes the result. Now she has his bearing: this man is fatally chivalrous and she can get him to do what she wants by acting the helpless damsel. As she remarked in the previous section, her form is working well.
Yet to be fair to Lawrence, it does not all go her way. Having assured herself she has overmastered this poor merchant she lies back down only to have him mount the cart for the first time. He has more backbone than she gave him credit for; he wouldn't stand for her to touch him, and now with a thud he puts his foot down, looking down on her for the first time this scene:
Lawrence: “Holo! If you’re really Holo, the wise wolf, prove it to me!”
(Holo gives him a piercing, inscrutable look before becoming pensive)
Holo: “Are you telling me to show you my wolf form?”
Lawrence: “That’s right.” (Insistent)
Holo: “I do not want to.” (Mumbled, almost to herself)
Lawrence: “W-why?” (Confused)
(Holo stands up angrily)
Holo: “That’s what I’d like to ask!”
Lawrence: “Well, if you’re a human being, I’m going to turn you over to the church. Associating with someone who’s been possessed is nothing but a source of trouble. But if you’re indeed Holo the goddess of rich harvests, I don’t mind reconsidering since you might bring me some good luck or miracles, too.”
(Having finished, Lawrence peeks at her and turns to observe her reaction; she is thoroughly unimpressed by such a pathetic excuse)
Holo: “So you want to see it no matter what?” (Quietly… but still angry)
Lawrence: “Yes, I do.”
Holo: “I shall ask you only one more time. Do you want to see it no matter what?”
Lawrence: “Yes, no matter what.”
This is a curious reversal. Just a moment ago Holo was proud of what she was, her matchless name legend. One would expect a willingness to demonstrate it, or perhaps a return to her earlier ire at a lowly human demanding something of her. She expresses neither. Instead she becomes morose, holding her tail in comfort; there is something else inside Holo that motivates her and it is powerful enough to contend with her pride. In this moment her act drops again and a sincere feeling shines through.
Lawrence can’t understand it either, which only kindles her anger. But as she lashes out at him, “That’s what I’d like to ask,” one gets the curious sense that as with her admission of reluctance, it isn’t Lawrence she is talking to. She herself isn’t quite sure what has brought this on, and it is unsettling that she cannot master it; there is apparently one person Holo cannot control as much as she’d like.
The scene concludes with her partial transformation, a revelation that leaves Lawrence once again on the ground. He is no match for even this small indication of her full power. Intelligent, self-assured, and more than a little manipulative Holo towers above him. Emotionally she is complicated yet her outward goals are surprisingly simple. She pursues these desires directly, but it is not with malice or the intent to harm. As long as they don’t run afoul of her, humans are alright. Indeed, seeing Lawrence’s horrified reaction she has the most curiously saddened expression…Scene 2 - Holo the Uncertain Wolf
- Season 1, Episode 11, 2:55 to 8:44.
Most of the first season has passed since the previous scene and many more facets of Holo’s personality have come to light. Despite her proud bearing she is flippant, burning through (Lawrence’s) money with carefree abandon. There is an odd childishness to her at times, a craving for apples, alcohol, and other foods that she pesters Lawrence until he fulfills. In a word, she is selfish.
Yet there remains the question: how much of this is an act? It is clear that she can play the parts she so desires, and indeed takes distinct enjoyment from teasing Lawrence endlessly (although he occasionally gets her back). It is confusing, both for Lawrence and the audience, as it masks the full extent of her true feelings. One might almost be tempted to believe she herself is unreflective and unfeeling until certain lines slip through:
”Males are all jealous idiots, and females are foolish enough to be happy about it.”
Such comments are not just insults; they are Holo expressing what she cannot otherwise admit to. Seeing Lawrence upset at the attention she was being given by a friend it surprised her to find she appreciated his feelings toward her. And so she leans against him as she speaks, underscoring that her barb was in fact tipped with honey.
With the next scene, this dynamic is driven into the open. It is the arc of Lawrence’s prospective bankruptcy, where a bad deal may ruin his future. As he sought help from his friends he was strangely and repeatedly turned down until finally he demanded an answer from one of them.
It was Holo, standing behind him.
Her presence gave the impression of a mistress, an indulgence that he would not part with. If he wouldn’t even help himself by giving up what must be a costly encumberment, then why should they? In his panic Lawrence lashed out at her, “If it wasn’t for you…” before stopping himself. But the damage was already done. He shamed and she hurt, they separated, she back to the inn while he continued his search for benefactors.
Now hours later, after unsuccessfully trying to raise more money Lawrence returns to their darkened room. Opening the door he sees the chair overturned on the floor and the window open before approaching Holo “asleep” in her bed.
Lawrence: “Holo. It’s my fault.”
(Lawrence tries to touch her, only to have her tail swish him away. Looking abashed, Lawrence fishes a meager bag of coins from his coat and throws them on the bed. He apologizes for the poor showing and leaves the room, slowly plodding down the stairs before exiting the inn; he gives one fond look at the open window before shaking his head in regret and continuing to walk… only to have his purse strike him in the back of the head)
Holo (from the window): “You fool! Hurry up and come back!” (Holo flounces away)
Like in the first scene, encounters must be on her own terms. Until just a short moment ago Holo was sitting pensively in the chair, staring at a candle, lost in thought while waiting for him to come home. Upon hearing him approach the room she rapidly abandoned her post to appear unconcernedly asleep, in her haste leaving evidence in the toppled chair and unlatched window. She is setting up the conditions where he must approach her... but it is sloppier than normal, and is botched as a result. Something is amiss. She didn’t intend for him to leave, and that she is now forced to call him back explicitly is an admission of her miscalculation as well as her true desires.
Now with Lawrence back in the room, Holo sits on a chair facing away from him so that he cannot see her face as she speaks:
Holo: “You fool!” (Incensed)
Lawrence: “Sorry.”
Holo: “What do you mean by that? What are you sorry for?” (Can’t see her eyes, this isn’t the full story)
(Lawrence looks at her in surprise… she’s… hurt)
Holo: “What would you have done if I took the money and fled?”
Lawrence: “I wouldn’t have minded if that happened. I won’t be able to fulfill my contract with you on account of my failure.”
(Holo begins to shake)
Lawrence: “Think of it as travel expenses.”
Holo: “You… You’re going to provide travel expenses for me?”
(Holo at lasts turns to look at him, angry and tearful)
Lawrence: “Oh…”
Lawrence is unsure of what to do. He was prepared for her usual domineering insults, her ire, and even for her to feign being hurt only to laugh at the innocent sincerity of his concern. It would not be the first time for any of these. But he did not anticipate that a true vulnerability would slip through; this is the most genuine he has ever seen her, when she is finally losing control over her feelings.
For Holo, all her questions point to the same place: Lawrence’s character. Why is he sorry? What would he do if she hurt him back? What is his reasoning for acting as he does? And like in their first scene together, one cannot help but feel that she is asking these questions of more than just Lawrence. To get proper answers is so important that she is forced to turn around, abandoning pretense as she did when she called him back, and stand up to confront him face to face in acknowledgement:
Holo: “I’m the one at fault, you know! You would have been able to borrow money if it wasn’t for me!”
Holo: “Why aren’t you angry at me!? How come you’re not blaming me for anything!?”
(Holo begins to cry in earnest)
Lawrence: “You followed me because you were concerned. How could I do something like…”
(Lawrence is silenced by her look)
Holo: “You fool!”
(Holo picks up the chair to strike him, but becomes unbalanced and wobbles dangerously toward the window; Lawrence quickly catches her before she can fall, leaving her surprised then furious in his arms. But she drops the chair, her ears drooping and her head to his chest)
Holo: “You’re too nice for your own good!”
Lawrence: “Too nice?”
Holo: “I’m right, aren’t I? I followed you out of my selfishness. You had every right to be mad at me, but all you did was swipe my hand away. You even came back to apologize!”
Everything is on the table. Holo wasn’t upset about her hand being brushed away; that was minor and he already made amends for that. What is tearing through her is Lawrence’s character itself and how it reflects on how she has behaved.
Throughout their travels, this has been a game to Holo. An enjoyable diversion that, should she care, she could opt out of at her leisure. The banter about earning her keep while she used up his savings on trivialities was part of the fun, her haughty assumption that even though she was hitching a ride it was really Lawrence who was the beneficiary in their relationship. Like everything, she would pay him back when it suited her. In a paradoxical way, every time he reminded her of her debt it only served to reinforce this impression, for he still kept her around despite her actions. Clearly she was just that special.
Now her playing has cost him, something she genuinely regrets. That he does not react in anger is the most unintentionally humiliating thing he can do, for it forces her to confront the reality of her behavior, and the true source of her angry expression staring into that candle. She is safe from all harm yet indulges her whims. Lawrence is fighting for his future and the first thing he does is think about her wellbeing. The scenario she envisioned and is now trying to salvage, that of provoking him with unreasonable rejection, has now been thwarted twice.
Having failed all she is left with is her own mortification: she knows that she would never act with such benevolence if their situations were reversed. Lawrence is a kinder person, more forgiving of her faults and foibles than she is of his, and as such she can no longer regard him as her dependent inferior. Even when she threatens to harm him he catches her, and so protect her from the consequences of her own foolishness. That her heart flutters just a little while in his arms makes it all the more galling, resulting in a renewed wave of frustration at how she cannot entirely control herself.
With this caring act, however, she finally collapses into him, an outward representation of what has gone on underneath. No matter what she does, he keeps looking out for her, and it is only herself that she has to be angry with. This whole time she had presumed that he was the lucky one to be with her; he's just an average merchant and she a goddess after all. Now, for the first time, she realizes that maybe she’s the lucky one to be with him.
At this point the music shifts to a happier song; something inside of her has been assuaged and her fury is diffused as a result. She is no longer fighting it: this is a good man and despite how she's acted he cares for her. The rest of the scene should be a simple wrap up… but Lawrence doesn’t realize it and continues to repent in earnest:
Lawrence: “But that’s how I really feel. I felt like I did something that couldn’t be forgiven no matter how many times I apologized. That’s why I wanted to do all I could but it didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped. I’m sorry.”
Holo: “Hey… Answer me this one question. (Holo grabs the lapels of his jacket) You’re such a nice person… W-Why is that?” (Holo looks down in shame)
Lawrence: “It might be because of my personality.” (Thoughtfully)
(Holo immediately returns to anger)
Holo: “Y-You fool! Personality? Personality, you say? As a man you have to say that it’s because you’re in love with me, even if you don’t mean it! You fool!”
This second outburst of anger comes from a different source than what began this scene. While Holo is still smarting from her shame, she has exhausted that. By acknowledging him as an equal the door to a real romantic relationship has opened inside of her. What she wants now is to feel it, to know she is part of a couple from his own lips.
Poor Lawrence, though. Still reeling, he had just figured out that she wasn’t upset for the reasons he had assumed. Taking the hint that it was his general character that was at fault, he apologizes for that instead, and hopes that it is the correct answer to why he is so kind to her as well. Of course it is not, bringing Holo’s frustrated disappointment down on his head once again, as though to say: “I just admitted how wonderful you are and that I care for you. Can’t you at least keep up?” Lawrence gamely tries:
Lawrence: “S-Sorry. To tell you the truth, I…”
Holo (Interrupting): “There are times when you want to hear certain words being said, but hearing those very words at the wrong time makes you want to slap that person’s face. Which situation do you think you’re in?”
Lawrence: “T-The latter.” (Uncertainly)
Holo: “This is unbelievable. I can’t believe you’re so soft-hearted. You probably thought you’d be taking advantage of me if you said something like that under these circumstances, but…”
Lawrence: “It’s pathetic, I know.”
Holo: “I still wanted to hear you say it. Let’s do it over.”
(Lawrence is dumbstruck, but Holo clears her throat and walks purposefully toward him but pauses with some distance, antagonistically)
Holo: “Why are you such a nice person?” (Suddenly plaintive)
Lawrence: “It’s because you’re special to me.” (Fiercely)
There, he got it right, even if she had to drag it out of him. What Holo needed weren’t the usual expressions of well-meaning regret, nor is it that Lawrence is overcoming her reluctance by his own scheme. It is she who is enlisting him to help her beat down her own defenses, something that neither one of them could do on their own. But it is hard, because she cannot control where it leads. There is a deep reluctance in her to commit, and there needs to be in her heart no excuses to not believe him, nowhere to run away and hide.
For now, though, it is enough. With his final declaration still ringing she looks down in sadness for a moment before genuinely smiling and walking up close to hug him. Lawrence, one step behind, does not return the embrace; he still thinks they’re battling. Giving him a disapproving look for his failure to read her properly, he catches on that she’s ready to be accepted, and touchingly puts his arms around her. Her tail wags vigorously behind her, without his notice, betraying just how much this means. He too savors the moment, but shortly she begins to laugh:
Holo: “Geez… what are we doing?”
Lawrence: “Y-You’re the one who wanted to do it.” (Bewildered)
Holo: “Well, it served as good practice for you, didn’t it?” (Giggling)
Holo: “However, it’s okay if you make me upset next time. I appreciate the fact that you’re a considerate person but there are things that can be settled quicker by screaming at each other.”
(Holo gives him a warning glance; Lawrence reels again for a second before smiling in acceptance)
Lawrence: “I understand.”
The moment is over. Holo has regained her composure and the mask has returned in full. She even mocks the intimacy, trying to distance herself from her own weakness while still not able to fully admit to her feelings for Lawrence (why?). Give him tips about how to handle it in the future as though this were all for his benefit and that she knew best all along. He understands: Holo might have exposed herself here, but he'd better not forget who is in charge.Scene 3 - Holo the Lonely Wolf
- Season 2, Episode 3. Unfortunately, I didn't have a version with hard-coded subs so there is only the Japanese audio; for those with access (Funimation), the segment is 18:11 to the end of the episode.
Since the outpouring of the previous scene, Lawrence and Holo have continued their journey together both outwardly and inwardly. They understand each other better now. Lawrence, for his part, has learned to track the rapid flow of her moods, and to differentiate when she is genuinely distressed versus merely mocking him.
For Holo the change has been even more profound. While she still continues to tease Lawrence mercilessly, the emphasis has shifted. Her jokes always targeted his affection for her, but they were also her way of letting him know she appreciated it. That they are now decidedly more intimate reveals the direction of their relationship, and that she too is slowly accepting their status as a romantic couple. Finally, tentatively, she is learning to trust him.
Her actions at the end of the first season were the most striking expression of how attached she has become. In a sacrifice that would have been unthinkable a short time ago she laid down her pride, kneeling to an inferior in order to protect Lawrence and his future. It humiliated her unspeakably, but she was willing to endure it; after this, there can be no question that she truly cares.
With this in mind, we now approach the final scene and the last major piece of Holo's personality. It is during the arc with Amarty who, having fallen for Holo, has challenged Lawrence with youthful exuberance, offering to pay off Holo's supposed debt with 1,000 silver coins so that she is "free." This was not a serious threat to the protagonists' relationship, however, and they both make light of it.
In the meantime, and more seriously, Lawrence has visited the mysterious historian/loremaster Dian, learning the whereabouts of Holo’s homeland… and of its purported destruction long ago. He had been aware of this possibility, but now has confirmation.
Lawrence had intended to keep his efforts a secret from Holo so as not to get her hopes up, but when he returned from Dian's she was able to force him to confess what he was up to. However, he withheld the last devastating discovery; they had had such a wonderful day together (which perhaps she enjoyed a little too much), and to learn that her homeland could indeed be found left her so sweet with tender joy he could not bear to tread on it. And as she had earlier informed him that she could not read he knew the secret was safe in the letters he left behind.
Now some hours later he returns from errands, entering from the festive bustle of the street to a chillingly quiet room. Holo stands unresponsive, holding the letter limply at her side. Seeing her, he realizes the truth:
Lawrence: “You can… read...”
(Holo turns to him, tears streaming openly down her cheeks)
Holo: “What… what do I do? I no longer have a place to go back to… What do I do?”
(Holo turns away again. Lawrence closes the door, which causes her to flinch)
Lawrence: “It’s only an old tale. People tell many false tales as well.”
Holo: “False?” (Straightening in dawning realization, but face is obscured)
Lawrence: “Yeah. In places where there had been a change in rulers, at times people made up those kinds of old tales.” (Measured while taking slow steps toward her)
It is the theme that will dominate this encounter: Holo is her own biggest threat. And unlike last scene, she has managed to truly hurt herself this time. She thought it would be funny to pretend she couldn't read, only to peek in at Lawrence's secrets while leaving him none the wiser. It is entirely her own efforts that have allowed her to evade his protection this time.
Characteristically, Lawrence is not concerned with this; this is a dire situation and comforting her is all that matters. His cautious approach reflects just how delicate she is emotionally; a heavy step, a closing door, causes her to flinch and he needs to be careful to keep her from becoming any more distraught. It will require all his skill to keep this trapped wolf from hurting herself more. But his words have reminded her of something dangerous: people tell lies...
”Holo: “Then… why did you keep it from me?” (Uncertain)
Lawrence: “This is… a very sensitive topic. I was planning to tell you when the time was right, but I just missed the chance...” (Evasive)
(Holo straightens, giving a strangled hysterical-sobbing laugh)
Lawrence never could deceive Holo effectively. Before her guard was lowered by happiness and alcohol and he took advantage of it to spare her the truth, but she is once again vigilant and easily sees through his flimsy excuse. There certainly was a chance, but he knew how she'd react and was relieved when she didn't notice. On that point she is not wrong and she knows it; her bitter laugh is for herself, hearing him pathetically try again and feeling that memory burn up in shame and renewed distrust.
With confirmation that even now he is not being wholly truthful her state deteriorates further, words barely escaping between suppressed sobs:
Holo: “Y… You must have thought it was funny seeing me get so excited, completely oblivious to the truth.” (Still cannot see her face)
Lawrence: “Holo!” (Aghast)
Holo: “What?!”
Lawrence: “Please calm down.”
Holo: “I… I am calm! (Another wheezing sob wracks her) As you can see, I am thinking about so many things!”
(Holo grabs her head with both hands and stumbles backward, before righting herself to look at Lawrence with eyes large and unfocused)
It required only the slightest hint of duplicity, even if it was well-intentioned, to inflame her. Normally she might have controlled this, but now she slides irrationally down the logic of her own character: her lies in this situation were self-serving, so his must be as well.
The ease with which this has happened is shocking... and revealing. Despite his endless demonstrations of affection, Holo still combated suspicions about his motives. But this is a conundrum in itself, for Holo is far too good a judge of character to believe she has failed to interpret him properly. She knows he is a good man, and indeed loves him for it. Yet now in a moment of grief when she should be seeking solace in the person who cares for her the most in the world she is frantically grasping at reasons to distrust him.
Something else is at work here, something that is more than her selfishness or her pride. It has run through all these scenes and now fills her wide, unseeing eyes:
Holo: “You have known about Yoitz for a long time, have you not?!”
(Lawrence makes a sound of strangled disbelief as she points accusingly at him)
Holo: “Yes… You must have! You must have known that even when we met for the first time! If that is the case, a lot of things make sense.” (Holo’s eyes glow feral in the darkness)
Lawrence: “Holo…” (In shock)
Holo: “You like… (hysterical laugh) pitiful, weak lambs, so what did you think of me, who wanted to go back to a home that no longer exists, none the wiser?! Was I not stupid and cute? Was I not pitiful and dear to you? That is why you were kind to me, allowing me to be selfish, is it not?!” (Holo starts spitefully, but soon tears flow unstoppably as images of their times together flash by)
Holo: “Did you tell me to go home from Nyohila by myself because you are sick and tired of me?!”
Lawrence: “Holo!”
For an accomplished actress, there is always the question: what do people actually like about her? Herself or merely her persona? For Holo it is complicated, for while she has undoubtedly manipulated Lawrence with her behavior, so too has she acted for his benefit as well; she knows he appreciates it when she is cute or even quite sensuous. It's natural to want to make him happy at times.
Yet for her suspicions to be maintained as far as they have one more element was required, and in her increasingly frantic behavior is the answer: what is driving Holo is fear. Even as her affection has grown up in their time together a desperate terror of being too close to Lawrence has kept her from every completely accepting him. It has caused her to irrationally question his motives and kept that back door open should she ever need to escape.
Now in her darkest moment the fear has overtaken her. Not content to merely be distant she now actively assaults him, trying to extract from herself everything that he means to her so that she may flee. Somehow, somehow save herself from her fear. It brutalizes him... and her. Even as she appears to be the one attacking, she cannot help but cry at the pain of tearing from herself all the precious memories they have had together. She needed help and he gave it. She made herself vulnerable, but knew she was safe. She could lean over and he would be there. He has meant so much to her.
To overcome this powerful care her fear has now seized on a new and even more extreme explanation. Lawrence wasn’t in love with her or even her persona; he was in love with himself, and enjoyed indulging the superiority he had over her. Such an accusation is most damning of the accuser. But it is what she has fallen to, her expression feral and ugly, canines bared, as she frantically tries to escape her own encircling terror.
Lawrence is at a loss for what to say. Holo always helped him keep up with her, but she has forsaken both him and herself. With no words, all he has left is action. Rather than allowing her to continue destroying herself he grasps her wrists, keeping her close to him against her will. Holo immediately begins to struggle, thrashing to escape from him physically and emotionally. But he has learned: sometimes Holo needs help against her own worst impulses, and he does not let go.
Eventually, she is forced to relent and goes limp. Her attempts in all forms to dissuade Lawrence have failed, and exhausted the confession of why she is so afraid to be close to him comes out:
Holo: “I have become alone. There is no one who is waiting for my return. I have really become alone.”
(Even as she speaks these words Lawrence releases her wrists to embrace her close)
Lawrence: “You have me.”
Holo: “What are you to me? No… (breaking the embrace and backing away) What am I to you?”
(Lawrence’s eyes widen, but he is unable to answer; she stares at him in the silence until, after no reply, her eyes widen and she draws a sobbing gasp)
Holo: “I do not want… I do not want to be alone anymore.”
This is the root. Holo is lonely and has been for so many years. Even as she made the crops grow she withered, forgotten and unappreciated by the people she sustained. Humans are such short-sighted creatures she could see; they complained about the necessary fallow seasons, unable to appreciate the larger picture which her agelessness granted her. It wasn’t that she hated them, but that she pitied them in their inferiority. They could never understand her, and so never alleviate her loneliness; all she had left was her pride, and so she clung to it with an intensity that only the isolated can muster.
But at least there was always the dream of going back to somewhere she belonged, with others who were like her and who would make her feel welcome. Then this would merely be a short, unhappy episode in the annals of her long life. Holo, for all her will, her intelligence and her schemes, just wants to go home.
In the process of returning she has met another human. He couldn’t quite understand her either. She had to constantly nudge him, educate him, even browbeat him into doing the right thing for her, but she could tell that he cared. Against her will, she found that feeling reciprocated. Here was a truly rare individual who helped complete her… and this was the worst that could happen.
Holo has a sadness that she cannot admit to herself while awake, but which comes in her dreams. In it she stands on a field of the north. To one side are her kin, waiting for her. On the other, Lawrence with open arms. But when she chooses Lawrence, running to him as that most important person in her life, there is nothing left but bones when she arrives. He is going to die. He is going to die and leave her alone again, and the more she loves him the more that is going to hurt.
Unable to find a solution she has run from this fear, trying to suppress it by enjoying the present. Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow he dies. Yet even as she gives herself over to the moment the bouts of sudden melancholy appear, inevitably reminding her of how fleeting it all is. Even now as Lawrence holds her close it returns. Her first question, “What are you to me?” is genuine; she doesn’t know, she’s so mixed up in her fear and her love. But her second, “What am I to you?” is not so sincere; it is the question prompted by her fretful doubts, the second-guessing that dogs her happiness and causes her to cut it unnaturally short.
Now with the loss of her homeland she is driven into a corner and there is nowhere to hide. The choice is between bones and bones and all she can do is demand that Lawrence somehow have an answer that will save her.
Of course Lawrence has no words that can express what she means to him, but she takes it as evidence anyway. He couldn’t give her an answer therefore he doesn’t actually understand her or care. She backs away, restoring the distance that Lawrence had temporarily bridged, retreating from him every time he advances to maintain it. The silent scene gives way to ominous music as Holo enters her darkest phase:
Holo: “Say, Lawrence… Make love to me!” (Clutching at herself)
Lawrence: “Holo…” (Saddened)
Holo: “I am all by myself. But if I have a child, there will be two of us. Right now, I am in human form. See?! (Caressing her face with one hand) Right Lawrence?” (Cupping her breasts)
Lawrence: “Stop it!”
(Lawrence can no longer look at her and she resumes her demented laughing from before)
Holo: “That is right! You are that kind of a man! I did not place any hope in you from the start!”
This is so heartbreakingly wrong. Even as Holo suggests the most intimate consummation of their relationship she stands as far from Lawrence as she has all scene. She doesn’t even want him, she won’t even accept him. This is all about her and how she can use him, and even her future child, to escape her own fate.
This sense of grotesque parody extends to her posturing. She holds her face to accentuate her beauty, she grabs her body to emphasize her allure; everything that Lawrence appreciates about her thrown down in manipulative advertising. It debases her and Lawrence will not tolerate it any longer, calling out for it to stop; she may insult him, but she may not degrade herself. He cares about her too much to be a witness to it.
But for now Holo is lost to fear, the worst of her that she has kept suppressed boiling outward. She throws his virtue back in his face, again ridding herself of another attachment. When Lawrence still does not reply to this last provocation, remaining silent while keeping his gaze averted, she resorts to her final cruel weapon:
Holo: “Oh yes, I just remembered. (Turning away from Lawrence; even in her state she can't say this to his face) I have someone who loves me. You are not panicking because you think that this is worth it for 1,000 silver coins, right?! Am I not right? Say something!”
It is the one threat Lawrence cannot ignore: “I will leave you. I will love somebody else and rob you of what you care about the most in the world.” Surely she will win this time, and drag out of Lawrence a vicious reaction that will sever them from each other and make the fear go away. It will at last justify what she is doing by yielding results. Surely.
Lawrence stands silent for a long time, his wounded shock turning into saddened realization. His eyes close in resolution and the luminance on his face grows. Lawrence has overtaken Holo in his insight. With this he opens his eyes and steels himself, walking purposefully over to her to lay his hand on her shoulder once again, comfort her as he always has. He understands now why she is so hurt and scared, and that all along her accusations of his character were an ashamed confession of her own. Before he can touch her, however, she moves away, delicate tears he cannot see still falling:
Holo: “Sorry…” (Softly)
Holo stumbles to the bed and collapses on the footboard. Lawrence silently accepts the rejection and leaves. But he missed the last undertone in her tears, Holo one step ahead as always. He thought it a rejection of him, an apology that even though he was trying she couldn’t love him back. This is not the case. She is apologizing for what she has just done. It was inexcusable, and even if he has forgiven her she has not. She moves away in silent rejection of herself, unable to feel she deserves him any longer.
Holo is Holo
Lawrence: “If Holo really exists, I wonder if there are times she feels heartbroken.”
Chloe: “That’s impossible. Holo is a god.”
Those who have seen the series are aware that Holo and Lawrence heal this rift, and that even if we do not see the end of their journey there is some comfort in knowing that they will finish it together. I do not wish to end this essay on the impression otherwise. But still, the melancholy remains:
Holo: “It sounds like it is similar to rivers changing their shape.”
Lawrence: “Sorry, but I can't understand that example.”
Throughout the second season there is a degree of reflectiveness that is not present in their initial adventures. It fills the OP from the first moments. Holo is asleep, underneath the waters of a river, unaware of the passage of time as the dead leaves on the surface drift by and are forgotten. It was always the same; before Lawrence the days came and went, but now she is happy and alive in a way she could never have dreamed of before. The man who was initially perplexing is now so dear to her. But soon she is alone again, staring at the sky in his empty cart.
Now she travels, from village to town to fortified city. Yet Lawrence is absent. Why? Because he cannot follow. The terrain does not alter, for what is changing is not the location but the time. Holo journeys through ages and the world passes her by. She can never afford to get fully attached to any of it.
This brings to mind a curious question, then: why did she help the villagers in the first place? The series begins on that note, explaining that a promise was made, yet never explaining the terms. The next images are of people bowing and an effigy of a wolf in a festival, and perhaps one might think it was for Holo’s vanity. Only now it becomes clear; “In the beginning, there was nothing aside from warmth.” Holo didn’t need their praise; she needed to not be forgotten, to be connected (if not comprehended), for otherwise she too will vanish into the dust. Even the gods fear that.
Holo defies a single descriptor and when one comes to understand such complex characters, truly understand them, one cannot help but come to care for them as well. Like people, really. It is one of the benefits of good stories, to allow us to exercise this faculty of seeing into another’s psyche and grasping their world as they do. Sometimes I think the best and most sensitive and interesting people are those who have the most crippling fears and weaknesses. They will struggle. And more than anybody, they require that those who love them not let go.
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